TTCnSLC's Blog

That’s what Sandra Bullock recently said.   I fully agree.  On Friday, my stepdaugther ran down to the neighbor’s house to see her friend’s new puppy.  This family down the street has some serious problems and is struggling a bit financially.  Their house is a wreck– stuff and junk EVERYWHERE, and the husband is out of work (they inherited the house from an Aunt).  The mom works at a bar late at night, and they have 2 kids (age 9 and 2).  I ran down the street with my stepdaugther, and the wife answered the door.  She’s a very interesting character to put it mildly.  She starts yapping about how she went to her OB/gyn to ask him to prescribe Yaz (BC pill) for her.  Blah blah blah blah blah.  She just kept on yapping 100 miles per hour, then ended with “and I found out I was already 3 months pregnant“.  She’s late 30s (maybe 40 now).  I was stunned, shocked, and appalled.  It felt like I was kicked in the gut and had my heart ripped from me.  How come a woman like her– who doesn’t even want more children and can’t afford them– be pregnant without even trying??!!  And be a MOM?!!  Oh, the cruelty of life!!!!

Top that off with our next door neighbors are early 20s and pregnant.  She’s due in May, so she’s quite big.  I hate going outside and seeing anyone now…. summer will suck even more when I’m surrounded by babies. 

It’s so unfair to see all of the females who breed and shouldn’t be moms.  So cruel.  All of the “accidents” that happen.  WTH?  It’s really pissing me off lately.

Ever feel like you’re on a swing but you just can’t get it to move?  Right now, I don’t really feel like making the swing move.   And it’s quite a fun swing.  See how high it’s attached?  That means it can swing very, very high.  But I just can’t get it to move.

The problem with swings is they have ups and downs.  Once you go up, you have to come down.  And I’m not ready to have another down. We’re going to start a 3rd IVF cycle in a month.  Part of me wants to grab hold of this cycle and take charge, but part of me wants to run from it.  NOBODY will know about this cycle, because it’s too hard to explain when things don’t work out.  We have a 20% chance of a live-birth.

When the weather forecast calls for a 20% chance of rain, I usually ignore it.  Take the bike out and enjoy the sun.  20% chance of having a baby.  I don’t want to ignore it.  But how much money would someone pay for that chance?  Apparently, several celebrities will throw money at this chance.  Let’s name a few:  Julia Roberts, Sarah Jessica Parker, Celine Deon, Lisa Marie Presley, Jane Seymour, Marcia Cross, Elizabeth Edwards, Christie Brinkley, Brooke Shields, Nicole Kidman, and more….

Swings are made for sitting too.  Maybe I’ll just sit here for a while and not subject myself to the ups and downs.

My husband is training for an Ironman in May.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a 2 1/2 mile swim, a  112 mile bike ride, and a marathon all in one day (hopefully).   

I, personally, am in training for the Fertility Ironman.  That consists of a combination of sex, IUIs, and IVFs.  The quantity of sex, IUIs, and IVFs doesn’t matter– you just have to be able to do all 3 sports and live to tell.

Just as the Ironman, the Fertility Ironman takes hours, days, months and years of training.  In order to train, one must practice severe emotional swings– happy one minute, depressed, almost suicidal, the next.   This usually occurs without warning, and the most fit Fertility Ironman participator can ride the roller coaster of emotions with their arms held high in the air for optimum excitement. 

Also, essential in the Fertility Ironman is the ability to change subjects when the C-word (“Children”) or P-word (“Pregnancy”) comes into play.  Avoiding tears in public situations and work meetings becomes almost a daily warm-up.  And don’t forget to stretch — the hallmark act of pretending to be “fine”.

Anyone else want to participate with me?

My husband did one of the sweetest things EVER yesterday.  To all infertiles, you’ll get this.  To all of you who have cute little monsters, you will hardly understand.  But feel free to read and think your thoughts about “these infertiles are beotches”.  Well, we aren’t, we’re just aching.

My husband works in the same building with a couple who have gone through FOUR IVFs unsuccessfully.  The wife was diagnosed with having “egg” issues.  Last July, they got pregnant on their own.  Now, they’re in their early 30s, so they aren’t quite facing the cement wall of age like I am, but still, to go through FOUR IVFs, well, we know how that goes.  Yesterday, I came home from work and on the counter was a baby shower invite for this wife.  Instantly, I got sick to my stomach and felt like crying.  Although she’s “one of us”, it still felt like a knife to my heart.

Husband stepped it up and said this:

“I was going to throw that out before you even saw it, because I knew how it’d affect you.  Thought you could do without it.  But I didn’t.  I’m sorry.”

He got it.  He, who already has a biological child, got my pain.  He understood, even if just for a minute.  He knew what it was like to be in my shoes. 

Infertility stories are love stories.  Although difficult and painful beyond belief, our story is OUR love story.  Little moments like this remind me of why we want children together.  Not just to have children, but to have them with each other.

This is more how I feel.  The depression has set in.  We went to our counselor last week, and he said to “feel the loss”, “grieve”.  Well, I’m definitely doing that.  He said that if I didn’t grieve now, I would have problems with this “loss” for the rest of my life.  I felt so relieved when he said I should cry…. let it all out.  Unfortunately, when I cry my husband can only handle so much, then he gets angry, frustrated, and mean.  The counselor said that his job is to let me grieve– and remember that he’s “helpless”.  Every night I have bad dreams about children, and I wake up in a panic.  Last night, I dreamed that I was in a room full of darling babies, and a high school friend of mine said I couldn’t have one.  There was this deep, sad feeling that not one of the babies looked like me.  None of them belonged to me.

I feel like I’m trying to grieve, but it so upsets my husband.  Crying in the shower and late at night in the bathroom doesn’t seem to alert him to my pain– which is probably what he needs.  I just hurt.  I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way….. but it’s real and it’s happening to me.

The fertility doc said that we should try a 3rd cycle.  To be quite honest, I don’t know if I want to.  I’ve already started on BC pills in preparation of the cycle, but we haven’t made up our minds.  It almost feels like we would be throwing money into the wind….. and money is a VERY tight commodity right now.  Being realistic, the odds are still very low that we’d get pregnant.  So why try?  I have to some day learn to accept what I can’t wrap my head around right now…. that we may never have our own biological children.

One last thing.  Thank you so very much for your comments.  I really appreciate http://www.Hellhathnofurylikeawomanbarren.blogspot.com.  I’m needing all of the love and support I can get right now.  No one in my “real” world seems to understand….

This is how I feel, except worse.  And I’m not that cute.  Words can’t even describe the depression I’m now entering.  It will be a while before I smile again.  It will be a while before I find joy in life.  Into my cave.  I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that we can’t have children.  Wow.  Right now I’m pissed, angry, aching, depressed, hurt, sad, hating pregnant people (unless through IVF!), and bitter.  I’m a 40 year old bitter barren woman.  Piss on my stupid period which came this morning.  Why us??!

One more thing.  This just came up on the news.  We can’t have children, yet she can.  WTH?  Suffocating a twin, because he was crying?! 

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=9457415

Tuesday seems like it’s 8 million years away.  I’ve stared at the HPTs, but I haven’t used them.  I think world war III would break out at my house if I took one early.  The husband is pretty adament about me waiting.  Last time, I took one early and got a negative.  I fell into my deep, dark depression.  Then two days later, I took another one (still early).  Positive.  Ran up to the clinic to get bloodwork.  Preggos.  Then, well, we know what happened.  I hate talking about it.

My co-worker brought in her baby, AGAIN, to work.  It’s so hard being around her.  I don’t know what to say or do.  I ache so badly.  We ended up talking about houses.?. Here’s this newborn, and all I want is for her to leave my office… with that “thing” that haunts me.  Ms. Negative has come back.

I want to jump on a plane and snatch up an orphan in Haiti.  Anyone want to come?  I’m serious.  I just don’t know how to perform such a task.  I guess what’s stopping me is the glimmer of hope that I can have my own child.  I’m already a mom (stepdaughter), but we all know I didn’t give birth to her.  Something about giving birth and having a baby grow inside of you……

I went out and bought a pack of 3 HPTs.  I showed my husband, who then got a bit upset.  He wants me to promise him I won’t take a test earlier then the date I’m supposed to.  Uh, obviously he doesn’t know me too well.  We women wanting children will pee on any stick, anywhere, any time.  I said I couldn’t promise him.  That made him a bit mad, but I’m being honest.  Now I’m scared to POAS.  I know, I’m supposed to have hope, faith, and positive thinking.  I can tell I’m struggling with everything, because I’m wanting to go back into my “cave”.  Hide from everyone.  Don’t talk about anything that has to do with kids.  I can’t watch tv shows or movies that mention “mommy” or show little babies, otherwise I’ll cry.  The cave protects me from what I fear.

Right now I’m watching Superman Returns.  Louis Lane had a kid with Superman from sleeping with him one night.  WTH?  Obviously, she’s not 40.  Today at work I think I googled every site under the sun regarding taking HPTs after 5 day transfers.  Numerous people got positives 5dp5dt.  Gulp.  Do I dare?

The last 4 days have been spent on my back.  My husband teases me that I’m getting bed sores.  On the other hand, my mom, after I told her I was going to take my husband out to dinner for his 42nd birthday yesterday, said, “How badly do you want this baby?  Then do what it takes.  If the doctor said 2-4 days in bed, you do 4.”  With that, I spent last night and all today in bed.  Cute mom (remember, she had me at 41!).

My appetite has also picked up.  Eating everything in sight.  I guess after having the flu for 5-6 days, it’s important to nourish myself.  Although I don’t think Haribo gummibears and snow-caps count.  Hey, they were at blockbuster when I picked out 8 movies while on valium.  Have I mentioned that I LOVE valium?  Wow, that stuff mellows me out.  I’ve only had it 2x in my life– both IVF transfers.

I’m trying not to get all freaked out about taking HPTs.  In fact, I might even just wait for the blood test on my assigned day.  I’m having a baby, so I know I’m pregnant.  The power of positive thinking.  Think about the ultimate goal, not the steps.  My life is changing for the better.  We’re going to have a baby, and I made partner at my firm (a little late in going to law school).  2010 is the year for me.

I couldn’t be more happy or content!!!  Watching all sorts of “happy” movies, chick flicks and goofy cartoons.  When we did the transfer, the Dr. said that it was important to “be happy and relax” while the embryos are growing.  Here’s the update:  We actually had 6 fertilize (one went a little late).  Only 3 looked “good”– well, 1 was excellent B2+, 1 B2, and 1 EM something.  Like I understand that stuff.  I was in a state of valium when we went over the quality of each embryo.  We ended up transferring 3.  I just found out a few minutes ago that the other 3 didn’t survive, no so freezing.

To be honest, the hardest part for me is ignoring the sometimes “complacent” or “indifferent” attitude of my husband.  As a counselor told us, we will always react differently, and I can’t expect him to be as excited as I am.  He already fathered a child, and he isn’t a 40 year old woman with an ache for children.  Anyways, I will be strong and happy, because I can only control my own feelings.  Besides, right now, I’ve got 3 little guys inside me and they’re going to hang on and live!  Baby on board!