Drowning versus Floating

This is more how I feel.  The depression has set in.  We went to our counselor last week, and he said to “feel the loss”, “grieve”.  Well, I’m definitely doing that.  He said that if I didn’t grieve now, I would have problems with this “loss” for the rest of my life.  I felt so relieved when he said I should cry…. let it all out.  Unfortunately, when I cry my husband can only handle so much, then he gets angry, frustrated, and mean.  The counselor said that his job is to let me grieve– and remember that he’s “helpless”.  Every night I have bad dreams about children, and I wake up in a panic.  Last night, I dreamed that I was in a room full of darling babies, and a high school friend of mine said I couldn’t have one.  There was this deep, sad feeling that not one of the babies looked like me.  None of them belonged to me.

I feel like I’m trying to grieve, but it so upsets my husband.  Crying in the shower and late at night in the bathroom doesn’t seem to alert him to my pain– which is probably what he needs.  I just hurt.  I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way….. but it’s real and it’s happening to me.

The fertility doc said that we should try a 3rd cycle.  To be quite honest, I don’t know if I want to.  I’ve already started on BC pills in preparation of the cycle, but we haven’t made up our minds.  It almost feels like we would be throwing money into the wind….. and money is a VERY tight commodity right now.  Being realistic, the odds are still very low that we’d get pregnant.  So why try?  I have to some day learn to accept what I can’t wrap my head around right now…. that we may never have our own biological children.

One last thing.  Thank you so very much for your comments.  I really appreciate http://www.Hellhathnofurylikeawomanbarren.blogspot.com.  I’m needing all of the love and support I can get right now.  No one in my “real” world seems to understand….



  1. T said,

    February 2, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I know where you are coming from. My husband could only take so much also. And maybe me hiding my grief explains why he doesn’t understand the pain that I’ve experienced. It definitely does not seem as urgent to him as it is to me. I have a feeling that it’s not all that uncommon.

    If he is willing and you can afford it, I’d go through as many IVFs as possible. I thought that I’d heard that Nicole Kidman had gone through 9 IVFs before getting pregnant. If he’s okay with DEs, you have a better chance with those. For me, I would try as many times as I could finance. Unfortunately I’m the only income right now and we are in the whole as it is. I thank God for the tries that I’ve had. Money is what’s holding me back from moving forward. But the spouse does have to be willing also. That can sometimes be tricky. It seems to become a hassle for some of them. They just don’t seem to be as into it as we are. If you ever want to talk by email you can reach me at maxandzuzu@msn.com.


  2. Linda said,

    February 12, 2010 at 4:25 am

    I’m 45 and I’m on IVF cycle #6 (actually 8 or 9 if you count cycles that I canceled RIGHT before retrieval). I know the pain of crying in the shower alone because you can’t let it pour out of you in front of anyone else….to burden them with such despair and hopelessness. My partner is uninvolved in my IVF cycle which makes my failures all the more lonely for me. He has two boys of his own, a vasectomy, and no desire to have or raise future children. So I’m doing my cycles with donor sperm and the child will be mine, alone. It will be interesting to see if our relationship survives should I have a child.

    I started to try right after I turned 40. Which is where you are stopping at. I would not presuppose to try to change your mind, but there are many women much older than you who are still trying. I have very little real hope of ever being a mother but for me I have to keep trying while I can. I am incredibly incredibly fortunate that my last job (and the one I just landed) have IVF coverage…if I didn’t have it, I couldn’t afford to keep trying. I actually stopped trying after paying cash for the first 3 cycles (plus one FET) with the promise that if I ever got a job that paid for it, I’d try again. And here I am.

    So try I do, because I must. I can’t think of anything else. It’s just so all consuming.

    I wonder what you said about it being better to do therapy right after making the decision to stop trying? I have never considered that but it sounds wise. Should the day come that I stop trying, I will take these words of advice very seriously. Not having children of our own is heartbreaking. The pain and emotional suffering we go through is considered as severe as what someone who has cancer goes through. You just can’t see the reason for our pain as clearly, unless you notice the absence of our offspring. And it’s the insightful person who notices that.

    I wish you true peace in whatever your decision is. And if you decide to keep trying, there are many of us here to lend you support, an ear, a shoulder.

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