This is more how I feel. The depression has set in. We went to our counselor last week, and he said to “feel the loss”, “grieve”. Well, I’m definitely doing that. He said that if I didn’t grieve now, I would have problems with this “loss” for the rest of my life. I felt so relieved when he said I should cry…. let it all out. Unfortunately, when I cry my husband can only handle so much, then he gets angry, frustrated, and mean. The counselor said that his job is to let me grieve– and remember that he’s “helpless”. Every night I have bad dreams about children, and I wake up in a panic. Last night, I dreamed that I was in a room full of darling babies, and a high school friend of mine said I couldn’t have one. There was this deep, sad feeling that not one of the babies looked like me. None of them belonged to me.
I feel like I’m trying to grieve, but it so upsets my husband. Crying in the shower and late at night in the bathroom doesn’t seem to alert him to my pain– which is probably what he needs. I just hurt. I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way….. but it’s real and it’s happening to me.
The fertility doc said that we should try a 3rd cycle. To be quite honest, I don’t know if I want to. I’ve already started on BC pills in preparation of the cycle, but we haven’t made up our minds. It almost feels like we would be throwing money into the wind….. and money is a VERY tight commodity right now. Being realistic, the odds are still very low that we’d get pregnant. So why try? I have to some day learn to accept what I can’t wrap my head around right now…. that we may never have our own biological children.
One last thing. Thank you so very much for your comments. I really appreciate www.Hellhathnofurylikeawomanbarren.blogspot.com. I’m needing all of the love and support I can get right now. No one in my “real” world seems to understand….
