TTCnSLC's Blog

This is how I feel, except worse.  And I’m not that cute.  Words can’t even describe the depression I’m now entering.  It will be a while before I smile again.  It will be a while before I find joy in life.  Into my cave.  I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that we can’t have children.  Wow.  Right now I’m pissed, angry, aching, depressed, hurt, sad, hating pregnant people (unless through IVF!), and bitter.  I’m a 40 year old bitter barren woman.  Piss on my stupid period which came this morning.  Why us??!

One more thing.  This just came up on the news.  We can’t have children, yet she can.  WTH?  Suffocating a twin, because he was crying?! 

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=9457415

Tuesday seems like it’s 8 million years away.  I’ve stared at the HPTs, but I haven’t used them.  I think world war III would break out at my house if I took one early.  The husband is pretty adament about me waiting.  Last time, I took one early and got a negative.  I fell into my deep, dark depression.  Then two days later, I took another one (still early).  Positive.  Ran up to the clinic to get bloodwork.  Preggos.  Then, well, we know what happened.  I hate talking about it.

My co-worker brought in her baby, AGAIN, to work.  It’s so hard being around her.  I don’t know what to say or do.  I ache so badly.  We ended up talking about houses.?. Here’s this newborn, and all I want is for her to leave my office… with that “thing” that haunts me.  Ms. Negative has come back.

I want to jump on a plane and snatch up an orphan in Haiti.  Anyone want to come?  I’m serious.  I just don’t know how to perform such a task.  I guess what’s stopping me is the glimmer of hope that I can have my own child.  I’m already a mom (stepdaughter), but we all know I didn’t give birth to her.  Something about giving birth and having a baby grow inside of you……

I went out and bought a pack of 3 HPTs.  I showed my husband, who then got a bit upset.  He wants me to promise him I won’t take a test earlier then the date I’m supposed to.  Uh, obviously he doesn’t know me too well.  We women wanting children will pee on any stick, anywhere, any time.  I said I couldn’t promise him.  That made him a bit mad, but I’m being honest.  Now I’m scared to POAS.  I know, I’m supposed to have hope, faith, and positive thinking.  I can tell I’m struggling with everything, because I’m wanting to go back into my “cave”.  Hide from everyone.  Don’t talk about anything that has to do with kids.  I can’t watch tv shows or movies that mention “mommy” or show little babies, otherwise I’ll cry.  The cave protects me from what I fear.

Right now I’m watching Superman Returns.  Louis Lane had a kid with Superman from sleeping with him one night.  WTH?  Obviously, she’s not 40.  Today at work I think I googled every site under the sun regarding taking HPTs after 5 day transfers.  Numerous people got positives 5dp5dt.  Gulp.  Do I dare?

The last 4 days have been spent on my back.  My husband teases me that I’m getting bed sores.  On the other hand, my mom, after I told her I was going to take my husband out to dinner for his 42nd birthday yesterday, said, “How badly do you want this baby?  Then do what it takes.  If the doctor said 2-4 days in bed, you do 4.”  With that, I spent last night and all today in bed.  Cute mom (remember, she had me at 41!).

My appetite has also picked up.  Eating everything in sight.  I guess after having the flu for 5-6 days, it’s important to nourish myself.  Although I don’t think Haribo gummibears and snow-caps count.  Hey, they were at blockbuster when I picked out 8 movies while on valium.  Have I mentioned that I LOVE valium?  Wow, that stuff mellows me out.  I’ve only had it 2x in my life– both IVF transfers.

I’m trying not to get all freaked out about taking HPTs.  In fact, I might even just wait for the blood test on my assigned day.  I’m having a baby, so I know I’m pregnant.  The power of positive thinking.  Think about the ultimate goal, not the steps.  My life is changing for the better.  We’re going to have a baby, and I made partner at my firm (a little late in going to law school).  2010 is the year for me.

I couldn’t be more happy or content!!!  Watching all sorts of “happy” movies, chick flicks and goofy cartoons.  When we did the transfer, the Dr. said that it was important to “be happy and relax” while the embryos are growing.  Here’s the update:  We actually had 6 fertilize (one went a little late).  Only 3 looked “good”– well, 1 was excellent B2+, 1 B2, and 1 EM something.  Like I understand that stuff.  I was in a state of valium when we went over the quality of each embryo.  We ended up transferring 3.  I just found out a few minutes ago that the other 3 didn’t survive, no so freezing.

To be honest, the hardest part for me is ignoring the sometimes “complacent” or “indifferent” attitude of my husband.  As a counselor told us, we will always react differently, and I can’t expect him to be as excited as I am.  He already fathered a child, and he isn’t a 40 year old woman with an ache for children.  Anyways, I will be strong and happy, because I can only control my own feelings.  Besides, right now, I’ve got 3 little guys inside me and they’re going to hang on and live!  Baby on board!

I finally dragged myself into work today.  I had to knowing I’d miss another couple of days for the transfer.  Plus, the shareholders are voting on whether I should be made partner!  UGH.  Update:  Diarrhea still.  That makes 5 days.  It’s been HORRIBLE.  The husband got sick Sunday night and was throwing up all night.  We both stayed home Monday and slept (well, tried to sleep).  He’s off at the pool swimming right now over lunch, and somehow, I’m still SICK.  In a way, I was kind of glad that husband got sick– I think he was able to feel my pain.  Just throw in swollen ovaries and a harvest.

Latest news.  GREAT news.  8 eggs harvested.  6 mature.  5 fertilized (with ICSI).  Transfer day is THURSDAY!!!!!!  Let’s just hope all 5 keep on growing and looking good. Then transfer 3-4 and freeze the remaining (assuming all make it to day 5!).  Last time we transferred 3 EXCELLENT ones, and only one implanted for a few weeks.  I’m leaning towards transferring 4, but husband wants 3.  I just don’t want to go through all of this again.  The guidelines actually state 4-5 embryos for a 40 year old.  

Since the reasons for this blog are two-fold (one, to voice my blabberings, two, to help others in the process), let me tell you what I’ve learned with this process:

1- Repronex (sp?) shots KILL.  I ended up being allergic to the shots.  Got huge welts every night when we did the shots.  Best to do them at night so they can go away during the night.

2- We used Lupron the first round of IVF, and this round we did the antagonist (cetrotide).  This round was about $2,000 MORE than the Lupron, Bravelle and Menopur, but the cycle seemed much shorter.  Less eggs, less shots, but supposedly better quality.  Lupron made my body ache.

3- Progesterone shots work best if you heat up your butt.  We use a hot rag for about 5 minutes on my butt before the injections.  After the shots, walk around to get the muscle going.

4- Use ICSI!!!  We didn’t use it the first time, and only 3 eggs fertilized.  It cost us almost $1,000 more this time, but we had 5 fertilize.

Fingers crossed for Thursday!  Baby on board!

Thursday  afternoon at work, I emailed my husband and wrote, “I’m super happy!  I’m so excited for the harvest on Saturday!”  I was bouncing off the walls with joy.  Within 2 hours of writing that, I was driving home feeling bad stomach cramps.  I chalked it up to nerves.  Then, when I was cooking dinner, I leaned over the sink and threw up.  Not once, not twice, but about 6 times.  My husband was out running (he’s training for an ironman in May), and my stepdaughter ran into the kitchen and grabbed the phone to call 911.  Super cute.  I told her I was fine– just had to “empty” my stomach– so don’t call 911.

Husband came home, and I said I was just nervous and excited. I’m fine.  Wrong.  I continued vomiting for the next 18 hours.  All through the night.  Plus diarrhea.  Non-stop fluid exploding EVERYWHERE.  All over the living room floor (thank heavens for hardwood floors).  Then the aches came.  Keep in mind, this was all happening with swollen ovaries.  Delightful. Then I broke down and cried, because I had a fever of 100.8.  The Dr. said no harvesting if I had a fever.  I cried and cried. I didn’t sleep one bit Thursday night.  Then my fever broke, and I went into the clinic for IVs in the morning.  I have never been poked so much in my life with needles– they had a difficult time trying to find a vein because I was do dehydrated.  After 2 bags of fluid and anti-nausea medicine, I left the clinic feeling a bit better.  But the diarrhea didn’t stop.  It continued violently.  The next day (Saturday), we still proceeded with harvesting.  We won’t know the results until tomorrow– if the eggs are fertilized or even if they survived my violent vomiting and diarrhea.  I’m typing this with such a heavy heart…..

I only got up 3 times last night with diarrhea, but, of course, I haven’t eaten ANYTHING since Thursday morning.   Gatorade is my best friend now.  Jamba Juice is my second best friend.  My stepdaughter (8 years old) and I have watched, no lie, over 8 movies in the past two days– 17 Again (3 times), The Prince and Me, Inkheart (2 times), Mama Mia, Hanna Montana (I had to watch that one on Percocet), to only name a few.  Thank heavens for my cute daughter.

Bottomline.  I still have horrible diarrhea.  I haven’t eaten a full meal since Wednesday night.  I’m dehydrated. I can’t stand up for long.  I’m weak.  My ovaries are super sensitive from the harvesting.  I’ve lost almost 5 pounds in 3 days.  I find out tomorrow how my eggs are.  We will have transfer day either Tuesday or Thursday.  Let’s hope Thursday, just so maybe I can get better.  For right now, I’m feeling like crap.  (curtailing my profanity).  I can’t stop crying….

That’s the estrogen level.  We’re harvesting on Saturday!!!!!! 

8 follicles = estrogen level of 1347 

Last cycle, we had 11 follicles and an estrogen level of 1326.  QUALITY, not quantity.  yaaaaaaaaaaaa!  Oh dear.  I’m getting all freaked out.  Give me that valium, Dr.!  I’m so excited!!!  Another roller coaster that’s going to bring us a baby this time.  Big, fat, chubby baby! 

We went in for our “are they ready to harvest” ultrasound.  Still not growing.  Extremely low crop.  About 3-4 on each side.  Gulp.  Compared to last IVF which had about 6 on each side.  Oh dear.  I’m trying not to cry.  Keep positive.  We WILL have a baby.  As the Dr. said, “It’s not quantity we’re looking for.  It’s quality.”  So, if my estrogen levels come back over 1000, then a-harvesting we will go on Saturday.  If not, I’m getting poked on Sunday.  Good times.

I know I don’t have thousands of followers on this blog, but it’s nice to know I have at least a couple who listen to my crazy ramblings.  Thank you for listening!  Life is a bit easier knowing there are others who care– even if from a distance. 

I just wouldn’t know what to do with my mornings if I didn’t get my usual vaginal probe, a.k.a. ultrasound.  The eggs are in slo-mo.  Only have about 4-5 that are “good-looking”, and about 10 that are below the measurement of 10.  We’re hoping to get those suckers growing in order to harvest on Friday or Saturday.  As nervous and as anxious as I feel, I just know that those eggs will grow.  There’s a sense of calmness that’s finally settled over me.  Or else I’ve been taking those damn nighttime Tylenols on accident during the day.

My co-worker just brought her new baby to work to show everyone.  She’s the one that got pregnant 2 weeks after taking out her IUD.  Kicker is, the husband didn’t want kids, and she was iffy about it too.  I still remember her coming into my office with about 3 different pregnancy sticks claiming, “They’re all f*ing pregnant!  What the f* am I going to do?”  She was totally distressed and in tears about being pregnant.  Little did she know who she was talking to.

One of the nurses that we really like at the fertility clinic is full-on pregnant.  I find it funny (and sometimes severely painful).  It’s like a person at a fat camp that’s super skinny and eating chocolate cake in front of everyone.  It’s been very hard pushing negative thoughts out of my crazy, busy head, but I’ve decided I’m only going to think positively.  We ARE going to get pregnant, and we ARE going to have a healthy, happy baby in 9 months.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  I must have faith, hope and loads of nighttime Tylenol or else I’ll crumble into pieces that won’t ever assemble again.

As I was playing brickbreaker on my blackberry the other day during my pedicure (which was happy this time), I realized something.  I’m just playing a big brickbreaker game, and whenever it says “Try Again”, I do.  I keep trying despite losing.  Now I’m about to beat my top score, because I’ve been practicing so much.  This is it.  It’s our turn now to win now.  I’m drinking lots of water, eating well, taking vitamins, sleeping well, and being less stressed at work.   I can’t wait to enter my name into the “top score” category soon.  It will happen.